Homecoming Queen

There's a new homecoming queen in California.  She's 16, she's outgoing and gregarious.  Oh, and she's transgendered.  This has been made to be quite an achievement, and in some ways, it is.  Now, I'm not going to mention her name or show her picture, for reasons that should be clear in a moment.  Besides, this is the Internet, you can find those things easily enough.

This is a fairly unique occasion, a transgendered girl being elected homecoming queen.  (I'm going to call her "the queen" here in this post, because I don't want to use her name.)  I can find only one other that has been elected, while doing a fairly cursory search.  And it's quite a celebration for "the cause."  The cause, you say?  Transgender acceptance, tolerance, all those things.  As you may have guessed, I'm about to take issue with that.

Here's a 16 year old girl, with a rather uncommon problem that she's dealing with.  One that is well known, though, in general.  For whatever reason, she's nominated for homecoming queen, and she goes ahead with it.  Lots of girls would, it would be quite something to be elected homecoming queen.  So we're not so far out of the ordinary yet.

And then she wins!  Congratulations, sincerely, to her.  Only one is chosen each year at a school, so this is something special.  This is great.  Until...

Someone, somewhere in her life decided that this was a great thing to share with the world.  The news media got wind of it, through someone contacting them, or through the grapevine.  The school, even if they didn't contact the media, had no trouble welcoming them to the school and interviewing the queen.  The queen obliged, too; wouldn't you like all the attention?  I'd probably be happy and want to share how I felt about it, too.  She was happy to be an example, how she did this for so many others around the nation.  Another student said how they thought it was cool that they allowed (emphasis mine) her to run, and that it's a really good thing.  Hmm.

So we have this girl, elected queen, and how fantastic it is that these people were so cool to allow such a thing.  Um, OK.  Then the story was picked up.  It made the news.  It was carried to the national news.  Transgender activists and bloggers hailed this as progress, articles were published about the great stride that this was. It made... the Internet.

You can see where we're headed now, can't you?  What happens to virtually every news story on the Internet?  Oh, the comments section!  I'm not a fan of the comments section, and try to stay away from them, because it could be a story about really cute puppies and the comments would degenerate into political mudslinging and insults and "Oh yeah??" one-upsmanship.  Turning loose the Internet Comment Brigade on this girl, well, you can imagine what followed.  I'm not about to excuse these people, they're reprehensible, nasty people, who need to hide behind anonymity to express vile opinions and try to hurt people.  I have no respect for them.  That being said...

Not getting nearly as much coverage now is her reaction to these comments, and the other things she has received via mail, email, and text messages.  Oh, the stories are out there, but not as many.  There's a tearful YouTube video that the queen posted, in which she talks about how she's always judged, wonders if it's worth it, if she should just go back to being a boy and miserable, so people will leave her alone.  This is not what the article writers and news want to report, though.  This won't get the coverage, I'm guessing, that the "great stride" did.

So what are the motives here?  Was there a reason a 16 year old girl was put in an extremely bright spotlight, by people who essentially had nothing to lose?  Yes, there were.  "The cause" is one of them.  There must be progress!  See how our acceptance has grown!  The school wanted to show how really keen and groovy they were, it seems, to the world, for what they did for the queen.  They certainly were more than happy to accommodate the news people being there.  The news people definitely would love such a story, anything controversial sells well and generates interest.

What happens to her?  This 16 year old girl, who was treated to a fantastic high point, and pulled down to miserable low almost instantly, where does she go now?  She's not even out of high school yet, and her picture, name, and the name of her high school are all over the Internet.  It really wouldn't be hard for someone with a real axe to grind to find her now, would it?  And she will forever, forever be the Transgendered Homecoming Queen.  What about five years from now?  Ten?  Fifteen?  She applies for college, she gets interviewed for a job, she meets someone interesting and that person is also interested.  What's becoming more and more common in those situations these days?  Putting a person's name into Google and seeing what comes back.  And there's the Transgendered Homecoming Queen, with a convenient picture.

Ratings?  The cause?  We're really awesome?  They all got what they wanted from this girl, those people who had nothing to lose.  Who looked out for her?  In a week or so, most of the people will have forgotten about the queen, thinking it was a really nice, or what a great story, and that will be that, to them.  They don't have to live with it.  She does, forever.  What are the chances that the queen will ever have a vaguely "normal" life?

Hail progress.

Being Transgendered, the Internet, and You

Hi, I’m bringing the blog back to life today, with some words for those “just starting out” people under the transgender umbrella. Again, if this doesn’t apply to you, feel free to get together over in the corner and see how many digits of pi you can all calculate with each other by the time I’m finished.

Now, if my guess is right, you’re looking around on the internet for information and things about how you’re feeling. Maybe you’re unsure, and these feelings are new to you. Or perhaps you’ve felt like your gender is wrong for years and years. It doesn’t matter; I’ll bet you’re nervous, fearful, uncertain, or maybe all or none of the above. Only you know for sure how you feel. And if you’re not sure how you feel, it’s awfully hard to tell other people how you feel. Keep that in mind.

So what are you going to find on the internet? Hopefully, this! But other than my own, highly opinionated through my own experience, writings, you’re going to find a lot. You’ll find everything you need to know about how to do whatever you’re interested in. Do you like to crossdress? You’ll find all the best ideas on how to achieve whatever look fits however you feel at the moment, regardless of gender. Or maybe you feel that there’s no other way out than to fix what is wrong with your body through surgery. Simple enough. I’ve written a blog about that myself, with how I made it through all of that. And there are plenty more things to read about it, from any perspective you can think of. Perhaps you know you fit somewhere under that big umbrella “transgender,” but you just don’t know where yet. That’s OK, too. Everyone that’s been where you are has felt like this, hard as it is to believe. I had trouble with that myself, too. It turns out that while everyone doesn’t feel exactly the same (no one ever can feel the same as you), there are an awful lot of similarities. That just can’t be coincidental, can it?

Which brings me to support. The internet is going to give you everything you need on the whats and hows and wheres of what you want: fashion, customs, rules, surgeons, shopping, you name it, it’s there. But we all need more than that. Well, there are support websites, too. And this is where you must begin to get wary.

Over the past year or so, I’ve been following support websites, to see what they have to offer. I myself never availed myself of a support website during my own transition; we’ll get to why in a bit. I started by looking at one, and that’s remained my primary focus, but after seeing what goes on at the one, I decided I should look at some more, too. What I have found, in my opinion, is appalling.

Support, at least how I see it, is to help you reach your own decisions about what is right for you. Now before I get into what I find so ugly about them, let me be clear: that support can be found. However, it is not easy, for the reasons I am about to describe.

On the whole, support websites are populated by people looking to find help. You will find no lack of it. What you’re going to hear, though, is a lot of people telling you to do what is right for them. There will be plenty of making themselves sound right, as well. They will cite their training, who they know, how much they know, and they’ll let you know that you can be part of the crowd, too! Just do what we do, and you too can be part of the happy family!

It sounds terrific, doesn’t it? Until you think about it. What family? These are people, the vast majority of whom know nothing about you, other than what you’ve told them, and they think they know you well enough to call you family? Let’s face it, you’re words on a screen to them. They don’t know you, your situation, your fears, your family, your life. But they’ll tell you they know what’s best. You will find people that have become so enamored with this online family that, only three days after a major surgery, while still under a doctor’s care, that they are asking the people on a website if a symptom is normal. Never mind that most of the people on a support website have not had the surgical procedure they are asking about, and most never will. Never mind that they are in a hospital, where a nurse is as near as the push of a button. Never mind that they have the surgeon that performed the procedure checking them daily, if not more often. They are asking the website. And the website has answers! Not “ask your doctor,” either. They “know!” How?? They can’t. But they know what they want to be correct, and that’s what they will tell you. Is it actually right? How can you know?

Think about it. Which would you rather have? Would you like to be helped to reach your decision, based on what you know, and how you feel, and what you’re able to learn about yourself, and make what you dream a reality, and know that you did it? Or would you like a bunch of people to tell you what to do? You’ll find the latter in great supply on the internet. You’re reading someone’s advice right now. There’s more to advice than how it’s taken, though, it also matters in how it’s given. I’m not giving you this advice to make up for my own insecurities, which is what I believe you find on most of these websites. I’ve done plenty of work on myself, with the help of therapists, real live support groups, and myself. Yes, your own self has to be willing to do the heavy lifting here. And I will never, ever be “done,” whatever that means. I am still to this day figuring out myself, and what’s the best thing for me. No, why I’m writing this is that I hope that it will give you something to think about, and that you, the reader, finds some truth in it. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t; I do hope you do. I don’t know you, in all likelihood. I would just like you to perhaps see the beginning of a way to get to where you need to go.

The internet, as I’ve said, is a great resource for what and how and where. For things, and for people. Please, don’t get me wrong. There is good support to be found on the internet. You can make friends through the internet. But you make friends with in the same way you make any other friend. You get to know each other, there is give and take, you learn to trust each other. You know how it works. Is that going to happen easily, though, on a website where hundreds of messages are posted daily? Read what you’re seeing with a critical eye; think about why a person is telling you what they are saying, if you don’t know them at all? You’ll have to find the support, it won’t just come to you.

The internet can answer a lot of questions. But there’s one that it never will be able to answer. Why. Because it can’t. Why do you feel how you feel? I don’t know. I wish I could tell you, but only you can answer that. Don’t let anyone else try to tell you how you feel, either. Your feelings are your feelings. They are not anyone else’s. They are important to you; they are a big part of you! They help make you who you are. Let’s get one big question out there; if you’ve read this far, something I’ve said has made an impression. Who is the best person to decide what is right for you? You are.

Work with the people around you. I know, I really do know, how hard it is to say anything to anyone. If you’ve gotten to where you’re reading this post, you probably have to talk to someone. Those people are there for you. You have your friends, your family, and the people you work with. There is someone out there who you trust more than anyone else. They are there for you. And there are the people you don’t even know yet. Do you have a therapist? Do you need one? What about other people like you? They must be out there; you’ve seen them on TV, on the internet, you’ve read about them. They’re there. If you don’t know where to turn, check the phone listings for “First Call for Help,” or something similar, for your state. I know my own state, Minnesota, has several such numbers to call, and so do the surrounding ones. You don’t even have to tell them your name. You can block your caller ID, too, if it makes you more comfortable. But they know where the therapists are, they know about support groups, they have resources at their disposal that you don’t even know about. They are there for you.

So, what am I saying with all of this? Well, in my opinion, the best support you can find is with real people. You’ll make new friends, always a good thing, you’ll find people with things in common, and you’ll begin to learn new things about yourself. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll see where you’re headed. I think, if you do work with good, real people, and not with strangers on the internet, it’s a pretty good bet that you’ll find your way.

But only you know what’s best for you.

The View From One Year

So, here I am, one year later. One year from the big day. How has it been? Do you feel any different? Was it worth it? Are you happy now? These are some, but by no means all, of the questions that I’ve been asked in the last 365-odd days. Anniversaries have a way of making a person reflective, contemplative, able to see things with a new perspective, or through the lens of experience. Some of the questions are easy to answer, and some are not. And some defy answering at all!

Well, it’s easy to pick one to start with: how do I feel? I feel good! This has been a year like no other, that’s for sure. I set a goal for myself, a major goal, and I succeeded at it. It’s not necessarily the goal you were thinking, either. I’ll be coming back to that. I’m in a good place right now, and it’s simply because I’m just living the life the way I had dreamed of for so long. The craziness of the “transitional” years is behind me, and I can set my own requirements for what needs to be done, where I’m going is up to me. It’s a great feeling to be once again on my own terms.

There’s a large set of conditions that have to be met in order to qualify for Gender Reassignment Surgery (or GRS). Most of them can’t be met in a few days or a week, and a lot of time is occupied by fulfilling those. Not to mention legal issues, insurance questions and foul-ups, appointments to get to, and many other things. All of that is at an end! Everything is back in my own hands. I have felt a great sense of relief for quite a while now, just because of the simple fact that I’m through with that.

But is it different? Yes, of course it is. As I said, I’m living the way I’ve dreamed, finally. One’s self-esteem can’t help but get a large boost from that. Being able to do that, especially after hating the way things were for so long, does wonders for your emotions. It really is different! My outlook on life has improved so much, and I can’t imagine, sometimes, why I didn’t do this before I did. You’ve no idea, unless you’ve been where I’ve been yourself, what this does for you.

I think you can tell that it was worth it, too. Obviously, from what I’ve already said, it was. And I would definitely do it all again, if I had to. (Please, though, don’t make me.) Everyone has something they want to change about themselves. Some people have huge things, others have minor ones. I believe I can say that you will find doing something about those things is worth the effort. For most of you, it won’t take a huge effort, or it won’t seem like a huge effort once it’s done. For me, the thing that required the most will to do was actually deciding to go ahead and do it. It’s like the pebble that starts the avalanche. Once you’ve decided, you’re doing what you wanted to do, and what’s difficult about that? It’s getting over what holds you back that makes reaching what you want so difficult.

That goal I mentioned? Well, yes, at first it was this surgery that happened one year ago. In getting there, however, I realized that I’d already met my goal. The major one, anyway. I was already doing what I wanted to be doing, and that’s living my life, and showing the world, how it should be. It’s hard to see that, sometimes. Especially when you’re not done with what you set out to do! The surgery was the icing on the cake. It completed how I wanted my body. Again, another boost to the self-esteem. The real difference, though, had already been made, and it was in my head.

Don’t get me wrong, the whole experience in Colorado was huge. In a way, it was sort of a confirmation of everything I had done before. I remember everything in vivid detail. For most observers, that’s the defining moment. In some ways, they’re correct. It does mark an end to the major changes that have been made. It’s the end of the line. But, and it’s a big but, it doesn’t make a difference to the person you already are. The biggest changes happen inside your head. I’m going to address myself to those in line for, and those that are considering, this procedure. You, the person that you are, are not going to change when you have this done. If you don’t like who you are, the person that you’ve become in the time leading up to it, then GRS won’t change that. GRS is not a magic wand that will “cure” you. What is commonly called a “sex change” addresses the whole person, and not just your anatomy. You will be changing much more than that, and you can’t have one without the other. You’re not going to be a better person simply by having your genitals rearranged. I can’t stress that enough. Take your time, work on who you are, be the person you’ve always wanted to be, first. You’ll know when you’re ready, believe me.

If, on the other hand, you do like who you are, and where you are, and what you are, then you will feel all the better when you go through with it. I am genuinely happy that I did have GRS done. It gives me a sense of completeness, of correctness, and comfort in my body that cannot be matched by anything else. It really is the icing on the cake! I’m much the better person now, inside and out.

It was a wonderful experience, and I met some truly great people while I was there. I also met one person that did not live up to expectations, but the others are the ones I remember. I would like to thank Andrea, Karla, Robin, Janet, and Ann for making all of my experience a remarkable and truly memorable one. They’re just the people that I met there. My sister and my mother were there with me, too. I wouldn’t have wanted to be there without them. They all made what would have been a procedure that would have helped me be at peace with myself, become a special life-changing event. I can never thank them enough!

So, am I happy? Why, yes. Yes I am.

To My Mother, on Mothers' Day

Dear Mom,

There are no words to properly express the love, admiration, care, and all the other feelings I have for you, or the depths to which those feelings reach. But I'm going to give it a try, and hope that what I write can give you some idea of how I feel.

One day out of a year does not give us enough time to honor our mothers; every one of us has one, and I don't think we think enough about what ours did for each of us. Who was the person most responsible for who we are today? Who was the one that taught you the most basic things in life? Who showed you what really matters; not what you can learn from a book, or a teacher, or your friends? Who was always providing a living example of how to be, act, express yourself, and live?

Your mother was, of course. Every mother does these things, whether they know it or not. Oh, some aren't very good, of course; some fail spectacularly. There are plenty of examples of that in this world. Most moms, we know, are very, very good at what they do. And chances are that being a mother is not all that they do. That they are able to be mothers, along with their being wives, teachers, friends, athletes, CEOs, and everything else, not to mention combinations of all these things, is nothing short of miraculous! But they do, and they do it so well, you don't even realize it. How many of us take it for granted what mom did for us, and still does for us? Even for those of us whose mothers are gone, she's still with you, with the memories and examples she gave us; she gave you those intangible things so that you would know what to do even when she was no longer there.

How I see mothers is, naturally, because of my own mom. My mom has been teaching me what I need to know since the day I was born. To this day, I still realize things that came from her, though I didn't know that until I thought about it. And it's true, I have taken her for granted at times. Foolishly, too, for there is no one else in this world that I shouldn't do so. There is no person in this world like you, Mom, and I'm so happy to have you that I don't know what I'd do without you.

I've put my mom through so much in my lifetime. There were times in the past when we definitely did not see eye to eye, to say it nicely. I'm not going to go into those here; you know them, too, Mom, and I'm glad we're through and past them. But there's one period, quite recently, and it's been the defining time of my life up until now, that I'd like to go into further.

Yes, it's that whole gender change thing. I don't know what went through your head when I first told you what was coming, although I do know I could have done that better. I know you were not happy, and angry. And sad. And hurt. And many other emotions and thoughts. In many ways, I let you down. It took a long time for you to get through what you were feeling. I knew this would affect us profoundly; after all, I wasn't doing this to only myself, but to every person I knew. I dreaded telling you. When I did, I knew that many people who go through what I did lose their parents forever. That didn't happen, though I don't know how close it came to being. Things were very shaky, at least that's how I saw it, for the better part of a year.

But then, for Christmas, you gave me a necklace. A simple chain, with a silver heart hanging from it. No other gift you have given me has ever meant so much to me. It showed me that you still loved me, even after everything, and that while you may not have been happy with where I was going, you could accept it. I have never loved you more than at that moment. Just thinking about it as I write it now, moves me to tears. I have rarely removed my necklace since that day; it means too much to me to not wear it, and show it, and be proud of it. For even though the people that see it may not know what it means (and I hope they do, now), I know, and you know. I always want your heart near my heart!

Finally, being a parent now myself, I can only hope to live up to the example you gave to me. I have certainly had moments where I had to think fast, and just relied on what I know you would do. I know it will only get more challenging as my son gets older. How I face those challenges will be because of you. I can only hope to make you as proud of me as I am of you.

I love you, Mom. I can't say it enough, or how much. But I thank you every day, not just Mothers' Day. And I wanted everyone to know that. Now the whole world can see it.

And I just wanted you to know, too.

Go Team Go

So, the Super Bowl has come and gone. Another football season, full of rushes, passes, long marches down the field; bone-crushing tackles, swaggering narcissism, and head injuries. For the life of me, I don't understand pro football any more.

But I used to enjoy it. (Caution: nostalgia ahead.) The game could be violent, yes, but it wasn't showcased. There was a certain grace and beauty to the game, which, while it hasn't been entirely lost, is well hidden these days, and only shines through on occasion. The rules were the same throughout the game, too. You didn't need to worry if there was less than two, or five, minutes on the clock, and if the player ran out of bounds before or after that. If the clock stopped, it started when the ball snapped. When the quarter ended, the back judge would pull out a gun (yes!) and fire it! Yes, they were blanks, but what a unique way to end a period. There was cold, and snow, and muddy fields. Players played and officials worked on Sunday, then returned to their jobs for the rest of the week.

Things aren't the same.

I do recall when players all weighed less than 300 pounds; William "Refrigerator" Perry was a novelty. The likelihood of a player suffering a career-ending injury didn't seem to loom over every play as it does now. Of course, there's a lot of difference between a fast moving linebacker that weighs 230 pounds and 275 pounds. It has to be that way, though, right? We need our 315 pound linemen because they have theirs, and they would crush us if we didn't have them. Certainly. Get that weight together with a high rate of speed, and things don't bounce when they collide; they break. I do not find it surprising, at all, that the rate of injury in the NFL is on the rise, especially head injuries. There seem to be some players that relish driving an opponent into the ground as hard as possible. The league definitely fines a lot of them; every week it's announced who gets fined for doing what to whom. Well, that's done a lot to put an end to it, hasn't it?

These players want you to know what they just did, too. How many times, in just the last season, did you see a catch, run, tackle, or sack, followed by the player that just did it slapping his chest, pointing at the opponent, and/or doing a dippy dance? To unleash a really overbaked cliche, there is no "I" in team. They know that, these players. They don't care about that team. The team is a means to an end, for making themselves look good. Yes, we know, you think you're the greatest thing to ever appear on our television screens. Unfortunately, I don't care, once the teams line up for the next snap, that it was you. Think about the two teams that played in the Super Bowl this year. Aside from the quarterbacks, how many players on those teams could you name?

There's a new breed of fan to go along with the violent, all-about-me game, though. They love it! They scream into the ever-present camera their love for their team, and whatever just happened on the field. They appear each week in their jerseys, faces painted, wearing strings of beads in the team colors. They have sunk hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars, into showing their support and loyalty to their team. The team made up of isolated, highly, highly compensated, players who just love this town, until their contract expires. But that doesn't matter! They're OUR team right now! Uh-huh. Until the owner decides he can make more money somewhere else, and moves your team.

Do I sound sour? I am. Pro football seems to me to be more about showing who's boss by how hard you can hurt someone, and preening about it afterward. I am in the minority, however. More people than ever are living and dying by their teams' collective efforts to win, and love the big hits and "smashmouth football" (thanks John Madden, for another weird term). The players and owners want you to think they do it for you, the fans. They do it for the money. The owner pays the best players he can get, so they can win, and winning brings more people in to the games and buying more merchandise. The players want to win because of those bonuses in their contracts, and to get one of those rings, the ultimate "look what I did" symbol.

I realize this is how all pro sports work. Football reminds me of these facts far more often than the others, although pro basketball comes in a close second. Major League Baseball, for all it's faults, makes an effort (except for the Yankees, and everyone hates them anyway) to make those players available to the public. Our local team recently held TwinsFest, where every single player on the roster was there at least two of the three days. They weren't constantly available, but they would rotate around. You could wait in line if you wanted to, and pay for an autograph if you liked. If you knew how to find them (an open secret, at best) when they weren't at the "autograph stations," they were still happy to chat briefly, or take a picture with the kids. They had even set up appearances in the "Kids zone," where only kids were able to ask questions of the players there. Once the season begins, they're still out and about on off days, showing up at restaurants, or during the time school and baseball overlap, dropping in on schools. It's much easier to connect with a baseball player than a football player, it seems, and I think baseball is much the better for it.

Let me end with a suggestion for you. If you like sports, check out your local high schools. Here you will find students playing the sports that they love, and doing it for that reason, their love for the game. Except for a very special few, this is the last team that they will play with, in an organized league. They play for their school; their fellow students know them, and they cheer for these players because hey, those are our guys! Sometimes, if you're lucky, you will get a glimpse of someone that is a phenomenon, and you wait for the day when they've "made it big." This is where all those pros begin, and where most of the careers end. I used to think those tears you'd see, when the championship game ended on the losing team's faces, were because they lost the big game. They shouldn't be so upset, look at all they did just to get there! I know why now. This was the last time they just played the game they loved. There will never be another time for them.

I've been lucky enough, for the last 21 years, to be my former high school's "Official Timer," to quote the rule book, for boys and girls basketball. There I've seen more than 1,000 games, and there have been some spectacular ones. A pro basketball game, which goes three overtimes, seen from your TV, is fun to watch. I can tell you from experience, a high-school basketball game, which goes three overtimes, in the high-school's gym, surrounded by 2,000 fans, most of whom are connected to the teams in the game, is an experience! You owe it to yourself to be a part of a game where the players love what they're doing, and with all the passion of knowing that, for most of them, their time is limited. You don't find that sort of game with the pros!

Transsexual Advice

Hi! This post is for an intended audience, as the title implies. If the subject does not appeal to you, or if you'd rather read about something else, I invite you to stand over in the corner here, mill about, and talk with each other about the latest celebrity gossip. I do have another entry I'm planning to post shortly.

So, what I'd like to do is present some thoughts, ideas, and experiences from the last three years, relating to being transsexual. I think it's a good time to do so, having recently recovered from GRS surgery and finishing the "transition," as it's called, for all intents and purposes. More than anything, I'd like this to be advice to the person considering the process, or just starting out. Without further ado, then, my advice to transsexuals like myself.

Welcome! You're just beginning a trip down a long and winding road. Or perhaps you're already some distance down the road, and don't know where to turn, or need some support for your decisions. I'm here today to talk about my ideas and what I've learned while traveling down that same road. Now, some of them you may not agree with; you may think I'm a foolish dimwit full of delusions by the time I'm done. That may be. Hear me out, and bear with me. You'll see where it all leads in the end.

1. Be absolutely sure.

I’m certain that you’re sure about where you want to go right now. And who wouldn’t be! It’s taken a long time to get to this point, where you’re going to go ahead and make this change, and you’re ready, and ready now!

So wait a minute. It’s taken plenty of time to get here; a little bit longer won’t ultimately make a difference in the end. This is going to affect the rest of your life, in ways you can’t even imagine. You know what you want, and that’s great; the question is, can you do it?

If you can answer yes, good! Get started; begin learning about all the things you have to do, if you haven’t already. There will be many more opportunities to answer the question of “Am I sure?” Always remember to ask yourself that question occasionally; there will be time to get out before you reach the Day of Reckoning, as I call it.

If you can’t be certain, or say no, then don’t worry. This may not be the right time, or there might be another way to do some of the things you need. You can always come back to this at another time and ask the question again.

Either way, though, you’re going to need help. That’s my next point:

2. Find a good therapist.

Hopefully, you already have. If you haven’t, then find one that lists “transgender” in their interests or specialties. Every state has an association for psychological professionals, and they will be happy to help you find someone to help you. If you already have a therapist, then this is the time to bring up the issue, if you already haven’t done so.

Don’t be nervous! Your therapist is there to help you, not the other way around. This is all new and different to you, but they have heard this before. They know what they’re doing. Chances are you’ll be referred to another, more specialized person. This is a good thing. You’ll have a fresh start, with your gender issues front and center. Now you can get to work on this thing.

I’ve been tremendously lucky to work with five different people throughout the course of my transition. They have been wonderful! Each of them had a different perspective, and a way of looking at the problems and troubles I was having. They knew when it was a good time to talk to another person, and look at things from 90 degrees away. If you’re willing to share what you’re thinking, without worrying about “what will they think of me,” you can get a plan in place.

Your therapist will know all the things you have to do, from a technical standpoint, to satisfy the requirements in the Standards of Care. This is a daunting document, and is written for doctors and psychologists to lay out the ways to treat transsexual cases, among other things. It gives the guidelines for administering hormones and recommendations for surgery, so if this is where you’re headed, you’ll be learning about them. The full text can be found at this address, (http://www.wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf), which is current at the time of this writing.

Finally, your therapist (or therapists, but you’ll usually be most comfortable with one of them) may recommend group therapy, too. I wholeheartedly agree. You’ll meet others who have the same problems, but entirely different circumstances, or points of view. This may be very uncomfortable at first; you’ve just started talking to someone about this professionally, and now you’re going to be dropped into a whole group of people that don’t even know you, and you’re expected to talk about this? Relax. The group was there before you were in it, and they’ll already be talking about some things from beforehand. Listen to them. Hear what they have to say. Before you know it, you’ll have a question about something, and you’ll ask it. And you’re talking with them! Soon enough, you’ll be an active member or your new group, and you’ll all be learning things from each other.

Take advantage of all that therapists have to offer. They are there to help you, and they’re very happy to do so!

3. Telling people about your decision.

This is never easy. You’re about to tell people about what you’re about to do. You’ve feared this from the beginning; if you’re like me, it’s one of the reasons you’ve waited so long, the fear of what people’s reactions will be. But, there’s no getting around it, you have to let them know. Oh, sure, you could let them know by just appearing in your new gender role to them and saying “Surprise!” However, that’s probably not the best way to engender good will.

Think about who you’re going to talk to in person. These are the people you’re closest to in life. Now, what do you do? Once you have them in mind, tell one of them. It sounds simple, right? Well, try telling one of the people you’re pretty sure will react well when they first hear it. That way, you’ve done it once! I chose one of my cousins first. It wasn’t easy to bring up the subject; so I said “Can I talk to you about something?” It’s always a way to alert someone that something serious is coming. It went well, too. I was able to get the subject out in the open with someone (finally!), and it was so much easier to do again, once I had done it once.

So now you can start to work your way up the ladder. Let’s face it, not all of your reactions will be positive. Some will be absolutely appalled. If you’ve made it this far, though, you’re sure about your decision (you are sure, right?), and you’ll be able to, hopefully, explain your reasons. If you can’t, or the reaction is vehemently negative, let them be for now. You’ve been dealing with this for a long, long time. This is the first time they’re hearing about it. People’s reactions tend to be strong and emotional with such a subject. They will need time. However, you’ve chosen to tell these people first because you care about them and they care about you. Let them have their time to sort out all the emotions that ran through them, and think about it for a while. After some time, if you haven’t heard from them, try them again. Most likely, they’re in a better mood to talk about it after they’ve had a chance to process what you’ve told them. And they do care about you!

Obviously, you can’t go around and have heart-to-heart discussions with each and every person you know. Well, you could, but it would take a whole lot of time, and I’m guessing that you want to keep things moving along (you are sure, right?). Then take the time to write a letter and mail it to each of the people you want to tell, but don’t need to speak to in depth, person-to-person about it. No, do not send an E-mail. This is serious personal business; treat it as such. In the letter, explain your decision briefly, and provide a way for them to contact you. You’ll be hearing from them shortly.

Sometimes, no matter what you do or say, some people are not going to like it. It’s the reaction you feared. The best thing, for you to do, is to let the person go. If you’ve made every argument, said everything that you can say, then the ball is in their court. Just as it is your right to go ahead and do this, if they choose to be angry, and cut you out of your life, that is their right. You may be responsible for bringing this reaction about, but how they react is their responsibility. Be open and ready to listen, though. People do change; the person you think hates you now may begin to think about you, and that they miss you, much later. Always be willing to listen to what they have to say.

You will, most likely, see two reactions from each person. When you tell them, and when they see you for the first time. The first time it’s abstract; they know something is coming, but it’s in the future. The second time, they have to deal with it. You’re going to get different reactions the second time around. When you do, do your best to make them comfortable. Be yourself; after all, you’re really not so different. You’re the same person you were before, they just didn’t know all of you. Show them that you really are still you. Try to make your first appearance when you can do it with several people at once. You can all do something together, something that’s familiar to all of you. That helps put people at ease, they’ve been there before. And if they see that you still are just as at ease as before, then you’ll go a long way to helping them see that’s it just you, the person they know and love.

4. Bring your life along.

Keep your friends, and your family, too, in your life. You don’t want to do this alone. It’s a trying time, and it’s a long time from beginning to end. They’re your friends, and they’ll be there for you. They’ll know when something isn’t going right, or when you’re frustrated. They know you best! They care for and about you, just like you do about them.

That may seem obvious, and it is. Too many people, however, decide that this is the beginning of a whole new life for them. They have to cut the old life off, and begin again, with all new friends and a new occupation and workplace. No one shall ever know of their previous life.

This is my opinion: That’s just not possible. Once you’ve begun your transitions, and you’re moving on with life, you’re going to leave traces behind. There’s a legal trail, for a start. That name change you get is public record. Then you have to inform everyone that you’ve changed it. You will forget to tell at least one, and probably many more, businesses, entities, and what have you, that you’ve changed your name. Until something shows up in your mailbox with your old name on it. You can change your birth certificate, too, with your new name and gender on it. But there’s a record of that change being made. There will be doctor bills. There will be old phone books. And there will be people that knew you previously.

Would you really want to cast aside long, in some cases lifelong, friendships? Your family? All the people that care about you, that love you, simply to have a clean start? Don’t get me wrong, it is a new beginning, in many ways. But everything that made you who you are is your past. You’ve lived in the real world, and will continue to do so. Be open and honest about yourself. You keep everything that was good about the past that way, and all the new people in your life will know the real you. If you try to hide the past, break the history from the present, what will all of your new friends think of the trust they had in you when (not if, when) something from that past surfaces?

5. Real Life.

OK, so here you are, ready to face the world in your new gender. You’re set! You’ve got a great new look, some nice new clothes, and a terrific new attitude! Open the front door, and head on out!

It’s fun! It’s wonderful, really, you’re out, you’re living life the in the way you’ve dreamed. You’ll find out there’s so much more to the world than you ever knew. Live your life and enjoy it! Yes, it really is simple. This is what you’ve been waiting for. It may take some practice at first, getting used to the things you need to do now, but it doesn’t take long.

Of course, there will be problems. You’re going to get looks. You’re going to get rude people. You’re going to get annoyed. You knew this would happen, right? These things are going to sound like clichés, and there’s a reason for that. They are. But they wouldn’t have become clichés if they weren’t true!

Don’t descend to anyone else’s level. Look at all you’ve done to get here. Look at what you’re doing right now. You’re living life the way you’ve wanted to, all this time; you’ve denied yourself this for how long? Chances are the person that’s offending you isn’t doing that. They’re not living they way they’ve had in their hearts forever. You are better than they are. Smile at their nasty look. Say something nice to the rude person. Give them exactly the opposite of what they’re hoping to provoke.

What if the rude person is standing in the way of something you need, though? What if it’s your job? What if you require something governmental, and they’re giving you trouble? Stay calm. I know you’re mad, you’re embarrassed, and you really would like to say something nasty back. Don’t; you don’t need to. Start by going over the person’s head. Ask to see a manager or supervisor. If they won’t, leave and immediately call and ask for that person’s supervisor. Treat the workplace the same way. If you have to, take it higher. If this is dealing with a business, either your workplace or a transaction, you will reach someone that has the business’s interests in mind: money. And your money is as good as anyone else’s. They want it. Or if it’s work, they want the best efficiency to make money, and conflict at work certainly won’t help that! You will be able to speak to someone that can make a difference for both of you.

If it’s a government thing, then the law is usually on your side. It may take jumping through some hoops, or some minimal lawyeriffic effort, but you can normally get things to go your way. If it is a major issue, however, you’ll have to decide if it’s worth it to pursue. Not just financially; is it worth your time, and the upset it may cause? Sometimes, as always, life is going to hand you lemons. Know when it’s time to make lemonade.

In general, though, real life is just like it was before. You still get up in the morning, get ready for the day, breakfast, go to work, have fun in the evening, pay the bills, go on vacation, and all the rest. Except now it’s much better. You can make it through the tough times, because you’ve been through the worst already.

6. Hormones.

Hormones are nice, they do make the body do some wonderful things! If you’ve gotten to the point where hormones are a real option, and not just a dream, then you know what they can do. They’re not magic; you’ll get a big push in the right direction, though.

However, this is where the Day of Reckoning comes. Hormones will do things that are irreversible. There will be no more children in your future, after not much time on hormones. You’ve got one last chance. YOU ARE SURE, AREN’T YOU? Go over that question one last time. Up until now, you have been able to go back to the way things were. Once you begin, you don’t have much time to change your mind. This is it, the point of no return. You can still turn around and go back, but it won’t be the same as before any longer. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, at all. I can’t stress this enough, though. Be certain. If you are, then welcome aboard! You’re moving along nicely! And never think less of yourself if you can’t be certain right now. This is, if not the biggest, one of the biggest decisions you’ll

ever make. Do not be afraid to wait, and be sure this is the right thing for you.

7. Surgery.

Take what I said above and multiply it by ten. Then do that again. Surgery is the last step in the chain, but it’s also the hardest on your body. Make sure that not only are you certain that it’s the right thing for you, but that you know the possibilities and limitations, as well. Again, this isn’t magic. There’s a lot to learn about it. Fortunately, if you’ve reached the point of making this decision, information isn’t very hard to come by. Your therapist knows the available surgeons and options, and all of the surgeons and their staffs are more than willing to talk to you about it, too.

Surgery is also expensive. If you’re contemplating it, start saving for it now, or find out if your medical insurance will cover it. You may be surprised by your insurance carrier, if you have the right recommendations stating that it’s medically necessary. Proper processing and paperwork for insurance may be a pain, but will be well worth it in the end. Talk with the surgeons and see what options are available for payment.

Financial arrangements often are what makes someone wait the longest to have their surgery done, but there is also the surgeon’s calendars to consider. There is often a lengthy waiting list. You’re going to have to wait, even once you’ve been cleared to have it done. Use the time to think about what you’re going to do once it’s over. You’ve spent a long time with this as a goal; what will you do afterwards? Fulfilling a dream of a lifetime is a tremendous experience! The thing is, now you no longer have that goal. The day after I was released from the hospital, I sat on the couch, and was suddenly hit with a thought, “Well, what NOW?” Even if you do know, and I did, you’re going to have an emotional letdown. They’ve been building for so long, right up to this moment, and boom! It’s done! It’s not a bad thing. Once you think about it a bit, it all makes sense. Getting ready for this, for so long, takes a lot out of you! Now that you’re into the recovery, everything begins to “recharge,” including your emotions. It takes time to realize that it’s really all done, and that’s when I began to really, really feel good about myself!

8. Be true to yourself.

This is what I think is the most important thing. This is all about you. No matter what, you’re the most important person walking down this road. In a sense, you are alone. No one else is going through what you are; you’re the one that’s dealing with it. But you’re only alone in the sense that you’re the one that has to take the steps. Everyone else in your life is here with you, but they can’t make you move your feet.

So take time to listen to yourself. Make sure that what you’re doing, and how you’re doing it, is right for you. You’ve taken the time to read what I have to say. Does that make it right for you? No, not because I say it is. What I’ve said is true for me, and for the people that have helped me get where I am today. That may not be what works for you. Certainly not all of it will. I hope that some of what I said will make an impression, and maybe you’ll learn from it. There are a bunch of other websites out there, too. Some are first-rate, some are ho-hum, and some are lousy. I’ll bet my lunch that our opinions will differ on which is which.

You’ll have people that will tell you that it’s your responsibility, now, to be an “ambassador,” or a representative of the transgender community, and other things of that sort. Again, if that’s not for you, then don’t do it. This is an intimately personal, life-changing, gut-wrenching experience. The degree of which you share it is also intimately personal. Be You! Never let yourself be forced into taking a path that doesn’t feel right for you. You made this decision for yourself. Keep it about yourself, and you’ll be the happiest. If it’s time to leave behind the TG world once you’ve been through all this, then I salute you, and wish you the best future you can have!

Ultimately, I’m so much happier than I was before. The changes in my confidence, my well-being, self esteem, and how I interact with the world are astonishing to me, so much more so than I ever had thought possible! This essay is just me being me, and it’s my hope that you’ll find time, once you’ve reached your destination, wherever that may be, to make some sort of record. Be it advice, or a poem, a song, or a book. If not, that’s certainly all right, too. Everything, from beginning to end, is all up to you!

Oh, one last thing: You are sure, right?